Memories, like the colours of my scarf.

"You're not allowed to remember this 'til you're really old"

And lo, he became "old".  And bold.  The title of this blog is what I think I told myself immediately after the attack at St Joseph's.

Since my last blog, I think, maybe before, there has been some meaningless, vague "apology" put out by De La Salle on their web site, presumably aimed at anyone who happened to be visiting their web site to check for an apology (i.e. nobody). Recently De la Salle in Northern Ireland are among several Catholic institutions to offer an apology to survivors ... because they could no longer deny there was a problem.  It looks as though they're sorry they got caught. 

If there was any genuine contrition, the Catholic church would be bending over backwards to help survivors come to terms with abuses the church and its agents are responsible for. It would demonstrate  genuine intention towards bringing closure to this whole sickening saga.  I see no evidence of this. The RC church could open their records for public scrutiny and submit themselves to the laws of each land (make no mistake, this is a global issue) instead of arrogantly thinking Canon Law is what God's people want or need.  

When you've done something wrong, the correct course of action is to do whatever it takes to try and put it right.  I know this. Catholic teaching, see.  Why then, such hypocrisy from the Pope downwards?  I'm not anti-catholic, just anti corruption.   If you're standing in the way of justice or are party to its denial, you need to read your bible bro/sis; there's a message for you in there, stop ignoring it.

And Breathe...

It was only a matter of time before stories of abuse at St Joseph's  surfaced.  I'm not in the least surprised though,  given that I only began to realise in 2015 or so that for decades I'd been avoiding thinking about my difficult experiences there.  I re-traced my childhood steps from Ipswich station and up Birkfield Drive the other day.  I thought of the lads who used to traipse up there with me, and of my school year group.  I'd read years ago that one had been in prison for guess what, a pedophile offence.  I wondered if he'd been abused too by a teacher at St Joseph's.  There's a barbed, steel fence now where we used to climb the embankment and walk across the field to assemble for the day. All those petty inspections we used to endure; fingernail inspections, cap inspections, haircut inspections, uniform inspections... ugh!  Someone suggested to me recently that I should go and "loudfence" the place.  This was a term I'd not encountered before, but involves tying brightly coloured strips of material to the boundaries of places to highlight that people have been abused there.   I'm not that much of an activist but was sorely tempted!

It's a shame the current set-up there didn't want to engage with us survivors at the outset and only made a statement once they realised we weren't going away, but such is the way with institutions; they'll deny, obstruct, try to confuse, argue, nitpick and generally fail to acknowledge there's a problem until it's too late. For example,  in true Catholic church style, the pope has just described domestic violence as being 'almost satanic' which suggests to me he's gaslighting a fact: there's a subtle culture of misogyny in the RCC. He's either 'almost read' the bible, hasn't yet grasped the concept of sin or he's the sort of chap who thinks it's possible for women to be 'a little bit pregnant'.  Downplaying the seriousness of such an offence with a simple two words is a classic narcissist tactic. Violence = "almost satanic". I see. So not wholly satanic is what he's saying.  I'd suggest he might start at Matthew 23, verse 27 and ponder who Jesus might say are the "whitewashed tombs " of today.  I mean, I still have a great love and respect for the good people who strive to make Catholicism relevant but ultimately, I think they're being duped by a stubbornly entrenched hierarchy fixated on its own needs.

I am SO glad I don't have to endure tiresome celibate men preaching on marriage or any other topic to suit their tiresome self-serving agenda any more. Sure, a little bit of Christianity is always mixed in to give it a flavour of something....Almost Good.  Take away that flavour though, and see what's left.  I just look at how many broken people there are in the wake of the RCC; people who couldn't quite stick to or fathom RCC teachings. Dear broken people, you matter the most. 

Reading a book called Pagan Christianity you realise that pretty much every single aspect of the RC church has its roots in Roman pagan tradition. Could it be that as well as temples, priests, robes, relics, candles etc., we've inherited a cult of child abuse down the generations too?  That would explain much. 

Well, this year has taken a toll on most people's mental health and mine is no exception.  I've stopped expecting any help though as MH services are so stretched and now just receive any and all kindnesses and positives as they come.  I've also taken action and made my own statement to the press only because it helps me towards some kind of closure.  And that's what this blog is about. Closure.  It's not in any way about compensation as I've seen ignorant some people suggesting.   If De la Salle want to acknowledge with financial compensation, fine; I'll deduct what I've spent on therapy and happily donate the rest to the charities who provide survivor support. But again, I'm expecting DLS to cough up even less than I'm expecting getting any more helpful counselling.  I feel as though I have touched the bottom of the abyss (no sick pun intended) of poor mental health and somehow not died. Perhaps things are changing. It's hard to tell but what does encourage me is the number of voices now speaking out.  

My own abuser is still around but I have to try and leave him be, try as best I can to reclaim what has been stolen from me by his abuse. My own Christmas appeal then:  If you are or were a pupil or teacher (and I include _) at St Joseph's College, Birkfield, Ipswich, (#teammystjos) and you have information relevant to the current reports of abuse there, NOW is the time to let either Suffolk Police or the  EADT know.

More Memories

Is St Joseph’s Ipswich some kind of pedo magnet? This last week in the Ipswich Star 

https://www.ipswichstar.co.uk/news/crime/former-ipswich-teacher-accused-of-sex-crimes-8430922  

suggests it certainly was up until the 90’s so it does rather beg the question, what’s been done since then to ensure pupil safety?  My natural instinct, rooted in my deeply disturbing experiences there, is to suspect nothing has been done.  I look at the super smiley images of apparently  happy, well-adjusted kids in their marketing material and can’t help thinking it looks like the perfect cover. I desperately hope I am wrong but over the years have learnt to trust my gut feelings. 

Be that as it may, some developments. I read that De La Salle have at last asked police to investigate all allegations against their order.  That’s good . Coincidentally (or not)  I’ve now had more memories returning from the blanked out two years or so.  I’m currently ‘between therapists’ as previous one was unable to continue due to family commitments but having learnt a few good techniques, I am finding that memories associated with the time around the main trauma/s are coming back.  For instance, I was thinking of the Eastern Counties bus I used to catch  (or miss when things got too bad) when I suddenly remembered a lad I had become friends with.  I remembered his house just up the road from ours, where he got on the bus, then I remembered ringing his mum to ask if he could play, then his name, then the fact we were mates for two or three years and would go on bike rides together and finally, his moving away from the area.  This was a significant friendship! Wiped until last month! I value my friendships dearly so does this not demonstrate that yes, I most definitely did shut my brain’s memory banks down somehow around that time in the early 1970s? 

It was bizarre and encouraging to realise that everything is still stored up there.  Now I am getting the faintest recollections of less pleasant events concerning _ . Perhaps I’ll be able to give police a fuller account soon. Another penny has dropped too.  I've always had a kind of throat-clearing cough which I had always rationalised was because of the smoking for a few years.  It occurs to me only now that it may well be linked to a vague memory of throwing up in a field entrance en route to school in _'s car. (the longest route) And then there's a pain I have always had in my left rib.  Kind of where a gear stick would poke into a passenger if they were made to lean across.  Ugh.  I mentioned it to my sister and my wife and they've both said they've thought of that scenario but didn't want to put ideas into my mind.  It seems my mind has been working very hard to push away and not recall something.

I just need to find a safe enough place /person to ‘let it all out’.  I don’t think my wife should have to deal with that. She’s put up with enough as it is when it comes to my panic attacks and particular behaviours concerning all kinds of things. 

And if the plaintiff in that case linked above happens to be reading, my sincere sympathies for what you’re having to endure and thank you for your courage and determination to bring that to court. I watch with interest and  am rooting for you all the way.  I also urge any former members of staff and pupils of St Joseph’s, Birkfield, Ipswich to come forward and report to police any information relating to criminal activity . This is not revenge. We have a duty to protect kids if we know something . 

Smoking and Guns

I've recently found that with EMDR therapy it's possible for the first time in ... well, ever really, to begin dealing effectively with some of the trauma caused by _.  It costs money I don't have to spare so I've had to stop but I've heard today that it may be possible to find funding so will see if I can continue.

I was very skeptical at first, not least because I have learnt to be suspicious of everyone and everything for some reason I can now actually put my finger on. However I managed to overcome my suspicions using logic.  EMDR, based on eye movement, seemed to make sense to me. Being awake and moving the eyes whilst dealing with your trauma, might do the trick if that's what happens during sleep (allegedly).  How l envy those who reach proper amounts of REM sleep to process stuff!   Anyway, bingo! After all the re-traumatising talking counselling and the therapist who started crying when I told her my story (in fairness, it must be gruelling listening to constant tales of woe), I felt I was getting somewhere. 

I began to have memories come back. Mental pictures of random things I hadn't thought about in 50 years!  Those heavy medicine balls we had in the gym and the relay games we did with them for PE, even as I type this, I recall standing in a circle passing the stupid thing to each other.  Then I got a picture of some white blobs.  What was this now?  Oh, they're not blobs... they're... white... sticks? ....no, cigarettes?  Yes! White cigarettes! Hang on... they're those menthol ones I started smoking... what were they called?.... Oh yeah! Consulate! ... in a green and white packet! Like the JML ad: "but wait... there's more!"  Oh blimey, and there was More too- those extra long cigarettes that came out- just remembered those now).

Yeah, know exactly how you feel!

But why the hell was I smoking? I was an athlete,  picked to represent St Joseph's (until I decided they weren't to gain any glory from my abilities thanks very much) so why would I smoke? But I did start smoking. I absolutely hated it. Why did I start then?.... 

Ohhhh yeahhhh!  Because it was an act of rebellion against a certain teacher (_) with an absolutely obsessive desire to catch someone smoking in the toilets  (presumably for the thrill of carrying out the punishment).  Of course, smoking menthol fags was the way not be smelt out in our childish reasoning back then!

But yes, this guy was obsessed with domineering, controlling behaviour.  There was one occasion when a friend and I were over on the rifle range one lunch break (yeah there was a rifle range, a popular place to go smoking I believe. Has anyone dug there for bodies yet?) We were happily minding our own business digging air pellets out of the tree bark (boys collected random stuff back then - petrol station coins, football stickers, stamps, dust... bits of lead...) when who should drive across the sports field towards us but Mr How-can-I -terrify-you -best?.

He leapt out of the car fully confrontational and accused us of smoking which, to two non-smokers clearly attending to the needs of a tree and not skulking behind it and with nope, no fags in our pockets, seemed a little bizarre to say the least. 

"You were smoking! If I catch you smoking... threat, threat, threat ..."  

Seriously? 

There seemed to be a collective insanity among most of the staff at this so-called 'educational establishment' that almost daily made one appreciate all the more the 'normal madness' of family and home at evenings and weekends for those of us 'lucky' enough to have been day boys. 

That home/family 'normal' was pretty short lived once this same teacher had wormed his way into my parents' social circle. 

It wasn't until I was at college aged 18 where someone said 'Why do you smoke?' and I couldn't answer, that I managed to stop instantly. It was almost as though I'd been given permission to lay that one down. You don't have to do that any more. He's not here.

So, what do we conclude from today's lesson boys?  

There is no smoke if there's no fire, sir.  

Correct, and I can testify now the smoke and smog is finally starting to clear, there was more than one loose cannon / smoking gun at St Joseph's.

Processing .....|||||||||||67% there.....

It's important not to live on 'what ifs' but going to St Joseph's could and should have been a much more positive experience. 

Having deliberately flunked exams to escape St Joes as soon as possible, in my early 40's I decided I really ought to get some qualifications because I knew I wasn't "stupid" as _ had liked to highlight at every opportunity in front of the class.  I now recognise that was all part of his coercive controlling behaviour, to make sure I was as afraid of him as possible and thereby minimise the risk of my speaking to my parents about what he'd done.  There was just no escaping the guy. He went to our church. He lived near me. "Befriending' my parents was also a classic abuser tactic and as my academic career evaporated before their eyes, I'm pretty certain they sought his advice on what to do with me. Such a nice man in their eyes, I'm certain.

Anyway, I like to try and count my blessings and had it not been for _,  I wouldn't have taken such a rocky road. The thing about rocky roads is that on them, you encounter rocks.  My wife is one such and I'm very blessed and thankful that she's had the patience to help me unpack some of this stuff.  (She's as much a victim of the abuse I encountered by the way. She shouldn't be having to put up with all the rubbish that occasionally comes to the surface.)

Regarding education, it came as no surprise to me that I was able to sail through an Access course (A-levels) and get to university as a mature student.  However, getting into campus for a 9 a.m. lecture where the lecturer would swan in late and talk about who wasn't there last week began to grate a bit and I decided I'd bail out because I'd sold my first bit of writing. I didn't need a degree for that.  

The arts was something I would have relished had it existed at Birkfield (St. Joseph's) but as I recall, our career choices were rather imaginatively, the army, Navy, RAF or banking.  I remember many a boarder skulking at the back of class drawing military hardware in their jotters and realising that these poor kids had issues of their own too. 

Anyway, life handing out lemons has always been my cue to attempt making some drinkable wine. It's a difficult thing to do and takes time and miracles but as the weird Brother Ives once said, 'Remember that God can turn any evil situation to his own advantage'.  That was one of only two interesting things that caught my attention at that school.  

As I write, there appears to be a gradual process emerging of former pupils coming forward as De La Salle continue to stay silent and attempt, it seems, to remain unaccountable for the sins of their past. You can't have it both ways guys. God either favours the poor (that includes us survivors FYI) as you teach, or He favours the abuser.  It seems to me that DLS would do well to come clean now, rather than get taken to the cleaners later.  Abuse survivors are highly trained experts in doing things the unnecessarily hard way though so, y'know, your call DLS/St Joes. 

I know there's a lot still to come out for many of us and I know all too well it's deeply unsettling to realise the past wasn't anywhere near as rosy as we like to paint it. Apologies if I have triggered anyone. 

Once again, if any other former (or current!) St Joesph's pupils need to tell their story to someone in confidence re ANY type of abuse experienced there, either this blogger or the police are here for you. It takes an enormous amount of courage but you'll find you're not alone. 

Take care.

Lifelong Learning

Another penny has finally dropped this week.  When I was twelve or thirteen, knowing me as I do, I would have told myself I wasn't allowed to remember the trauma of St Joseph's until I was really, really old. Well here I am and surprise, surprise, the teacher abuse is all coming back into focus.

I may or may not have already have mentioned an incident in my teenage years when, being from a Catholic family where the mysteries of sex were kept undisclosed for as long as possible, I decided the only way to find anything out was to steal a book.  As stealing was so obviously a sin, I had to keep the evidence hidden in my padlocked box of 'secrets'.  At some stage, my dad must have realised something wasn't quite right at school and decided to break into that box and confront me with my copy of the A-Z of sex.  Uh-oh, I thought, I'm in trouble for stealing again (My mum had once frogmarched me back to the newsagents to apologise for stealing a Beano annual). But no, this time it was, "Why have you got this? I mean look at all this nonsense (line drawings telling me things you haven't, Dad) And this! (flips to back three pages on homosexuality) You know this is all rubbish, dear boy, rubbish!" 

I hadn't even read that far!

He proceeded to give me a lecture on all the misinformation there was in the world concerning sex (which is arguably better than zero information) and I got the distinct impression he was worried about me being gay. I have always wondered why he immediately went to the back pages to confront me.  How could you even think such a thing Dad?! Then he made me burn the book, my extremely hard-earned effort, in the Aga. Yes, we were that posh. 

Well now it occurs to me in a flash of light that he thought that I may be gay because he was told to think that by a certain teacher. The same teacher who had recently palled up with him by buying his old car and had, to my great distress, promoted himself to first name terms.  Naturally, my Dad would have been concerned about his son's declining school career so who better to ask what might be going on at school than one of his teachers?  

I would bet my house on my trusting father being told by this coercive controlling teacher that I was probably struggling with my sexuality. Poor old dad, always believing the best of people, would have easily bought this line and worst of all, not wanted to see what was really going on.  This manipulative teacher was clearly covering all bases so that if he did get caught interfering with me, in his defence he could then say my own father had had doubts about my sexual orientation.  My God, if my dad could've known the struggles I've had to avert my eyes when women are around, I think he might realise he was duped. 

So well done little me for storing all the information I thought was forever blanked out.  The bigger picture is coming into focus at last. I'm writing this simply to log it but boy, am I ever still learning how these creeps operate.

St Joseph's College Ipswich, I and several others are part of your dark past. Please do yourselves and all us former pupils a massive favour and acknowledge publicly there are casualties of your de La Salle era.