And Breathe...

It was only a matter of time before stories of abuse at St Joseph's  surfaced.  I'm not in the least surprised though,  given that I only began to realise in 2015 or so that for decades I'd been avoiding thinking about my difficult experiences there.  I re-traced my childhood steps from Ipswich station and up Birkfield Drive the other day.  I thought of the lads who used to traipse up there with me, and of my school year group.  I'd read years ago that one had been in prison for guess what, a pedophile offence.  I wondered if he'd been abused too by a teacher at St Joseph's.  There's a barbed, steel fence now where we used to climb the embankment and walk across the field to assemble for the day. All those petty inspections we used to endure; fingernail inspections, cap inspections, haircut inspections, uniform inspections... ugh!  Someone suggested to me recently that I should go and "loudfence" the place.  This was a term I'd not encountered before, but involves tying brightly coloured strips of material to the boundaries of places to highlight that people have been abused there.   I'm not that much of an activist but was sorely tempted!

It's a shame the current set-up there didn't want to engage with us survivors at the outset and only made a statement once they realised we weren't going away, but such is the way with institutions; they'll deny, obstruct, try to confuse, argue, nitpick and generally fail to acknowledge there's a problem until it's too late. For example,  in true Catholic church style, the pope has just described domestic violence as being 'almost satanic' which suggests to me he's gaslighting a fact: there's a subtle culture of misogyny in the RCC. He's either 'almost read' the bible, hasn't yet grasped the concept of sin or he's the sort of chap who thinks it's possible for women to be 'a little bit pregnant'.  Downplaying the seriousness of such an offence with a simple two words is a classic narcissist tactic. Violence = "almost satanic". I see. So not wholly satanic is what he's saying.  I'd suggest he might start at Matthew 23, verse 27 and ponder who Jesus might say are the "whitewashed tombs " of today.  I mean, I still have a great love and respect for the good people who strive to make Catholicism relevant but ultimately, I think they're being duped by a stubbornly entrenched hierarchy fixated on its own needs.

I am SO glad I don't have to endure tiresome celibate men preaching on marriage or any other topic to suit their tiresome self-serving agenda any more. Sure, a little bit of Christianity is always mixed in to give it a flavour of something....Almost Good.  Take away that flavour though, and see what's left.  I just look at how many broken people there are in the wake of the RCC; people who couldn't quite stick to or fathom RCC teachings. Dear broken people, you matter the most. 

Reading a book called Pagan Christianity you realise that pretty much every single aspect of the RC church has its roots in Roman pagan tradition. Could it be that as well as temples, priests, robes, relics, candles etc., we've inherited a cult of child abuse down the generations too?  That would explain much. 

Well, this year has taken a toll on most people's mental health and mine is no exception.  I've stopped expecting any help though as MH services are so stretched and now just receive any and all kindnesses and positives as they come.  I've also taken action and made my own statement to the press only because it helps me towards some kind of closure.  And that's what this blog is about. Closure.  It's not in any way about compensation as I've seen ignorant some people suggesting.   If De la Salle want to acknowledge with financial compensation, fine; I'll deduct what I've spent on therapy and happily donate the rest to the charities who provide survivor support. But again, I'm expecting DLS to cough up even less than I'm expecting getting any more helpful counselling.  I feel as though I have touched the bottom of the abyss (no sick pun intended) of poor mental health and somehow not died. Perhaps things are changing. It's hard to tell but what does encourage me is the number of voices now speaking out.  

My own abuser is still around but I have to try and leave him be, try as best I can to reclaim what has been stolen from me by his abuse. My own Christmas appeal then:  If you are or were a pupil or teacher (and I include _) at St Joseph's College, Birkfield, Ipswich, (#teammystjos) and you have information relevant to the current reports of abuse there, NOW is the time to let either Suffolk Police or the  EADT know.