Overcoming

The journey of discovering what I blanked out goes on with the support of some great counsellors and of course, family and a few friends. Needless to say all my attempts at engaging with De La Salle on social media are still completely ignored while they attempt to keep building their shiny image.  Here's an interesting example.  Now who else likes to use the pentangle symbol? Let me think... 

I'm not suggesting they are a cult or anything (much) but when they constantly tweet about building "Utopia" and hold conferences in Rome proclaiming boldly that they are all working towards a common aim, producing smooth corporate videos that show they are short on substance (see screenshots below) it appears they are only interested in some self-serving, self-justifying agenda.  I shudder to think of the money the Catholic Church wastes on these vanity projects.  All my life growing up Catholic and up to the point I left, I always got so frustrated with talk of 'helping the poor' but never once saw any evidence of anyone DOING anything to that end.  Sure, there were special collections to go to some priest or other supposedly working in some far flung poverty-stricken outpost but now I'm looking back thinking there was zero accountability for that money and zero chance of anyone challenging the Church.  Now that is beginning to happen and survivors are speaking out, they really don't like it.  There's an army of rather inept trolls trying to discredit survivors and their stories on social media.  We won't be silenced. 

None of this is from some anti-RCC standpoint. Experience is just the best teacher. It seriously breaks my heart that my former church is content to leave a trail of broken souls in its wake who somehow didn't measure up to its standards.  Growing up, I was aware of people in my community, suddenly not being around any more.  The girl who got pregnant (worst sin in the world!); the priest everyone loved suddenly being moved on. I remember being fobbed off with unlikely explanations. (Note to adults: kids aren't stupid. They usually know when you're lying.)

I learnt that lying is wrong and thus, I am simply pointing out that for all its supposed "good" (not really seen much evidence) the RCC is a corrupted, abusive institution and I believe anyone with any degree of righteous ambition should abandon it as quickly as possible.  I can guarantee you Christ exists outside it if that's what you're worried about. 

And the Big DLS Idea is... (please hold)

De La Salle - busy looking inwards.

Update. Aug 2022

With the current revelations from former pupils at private schools coming out pretty much every day, it seems, today seems as good a day as any to learn that a lawyer is now asking for any information from anyone who was at St Joseph's, Ipswich, particularly during the 1960s.

https://twitter.com/DinoNocivelli/status/1556949942261932033?t=NiKtvjOCr-p6QRLhy0PTHQ&s=19

For what it's worth, I am generally a forward looking and positive thinking fella but there are days when despite my best efforts, the unresolved aspects of the past refuse to be ignored. The current climate of disclosures never before spoken of can be quite disconcerting when you're just trying to get on with living your best possible life.  Nicky Campbell's recent disclosure https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-62308621

has been yet another reminder that "that’s just how things were back then" never was and still isn't an acceptable answer to the thousands of us who've spent decades just trying to establish some kind of "normal" so never let it be forgotten that quite a few have died before their time just trying. 

So De La Salle and the Catholic Church could make all this a hell of a lot easier for survivors if they would choose to accept they actually did bugger up many lives. Will they though? Because I, for one, am going to be ditching my anonymity soon and telling what I know. I'm only staying anonymous to protect one other who's not yet in a good enough space to tell his story.

I've just been contacted by another ex pupil from the late 90s who tells of dark and unpleasant goings on at St Joseph's even 30 plus years after I left.  So, De La Salle, what information have you been keeping secret to save your arses and assets? 

Once again, not tomorrow  but NOW, TODAY is the time. Get in touch with the guy representing us St Joseph's survivors. Stop hiding behind your masonic, Lasallian or whatever oaths and step into the light. 

Do it! You owe us.

Memories, like the colours of my scarf.

"You're not allowed to remember this 'til you're really old"

And lo, he became "old".  And bold.  The title of this blog is what I think I told myself immediately after the attack at St Joseph's.

Since my last blog, I think, maybe before, there has been some meaningless, vague "apology" put out by De La Salle on their web site, presumably aimed at anyone who happened to be visiting their web site to check for an apology (i.e. nobody). Recently De la Salle in Northern Ireland are among several Catholic institutions to offer an apology to survivors ... because they could no longer deny there was a problem.  It looks as though they're sorry they got caught. 

If there was any genuine contrition, the Catholic church would be bending over backwards to help survivors come to terms with abuses the church and its agents are responsible for. It would demonstrate  genuine intention towards bringing closure to this whole sickening saga.  I see no evidence of this. The RC church could open their records for public scrutiny and submit themselves to the laws of each land (make no mistake, this is a global issue) instead of arrogantly thinking Canon Law is what God's people want or need.  

When you've done something wrong, the correct course of action is to do whatever it takes to try and put it right.  I know this. Catholic teaching, see.  Why then, such hypocrisy from the Pope downwards?  I'm not anti-catholic, just anti corruption.   If you're standing in the way of justice or are party to its denial, you need to read your bible bro/sis; there's a message for you in there, stop ignoring it.

And Breathe...

It was only a matter of time before stories of abuse at St Joseph's  surfaced.  I'm not in the least surprised though,  given that I only began to realise in 2015 or so that for decades I'd been avoiding thinking about my difficult experiences there.  I re-traced my childhood steps from Ipswich station and up Birkfield Drive the other day.  I thought of the lads who used to traipse up there with me, and of my school year group.  I'd read years ago that one had been in prison for guess what, a pedophile offence.  I wondered if he'd been abused too by a teacher at St Joseph's.  There's a barbed, steel fence now where we used to climb the embankment and walk across the field to assemble for the day. All those petty inspections we used to endure; fingernail inspections, cap inspections, haircut inspections, uniform inspections... ugh!  Someone suggested to me recently that I should go and "loudfence" the place.  This was a term I'd not encountered before, but involves tying brightly coloured strips of material to the boundaries of places to highlight that people have been abused there.   I'm not that much of an activist but was sorely tempted!

It's a shame the current set-up there didn't want to engage with us survivors at the outset and only made a statement once they realised we weren't going away, but such is the way with institutions; they'll deny, obstruct, try to confuse, argue, nitpick and generally fail to acknowledge there's a problem until it's too late. For example,  in true Catholic church style, the pope has just described domestic violence as being 'almost satanic' which suggests to me he's gaslighting a fact: there's a subtle culture of misogyny in the RCC. He's either 'almost read' the bible, hasn't yet grasped the concept of sin or he's the sort of chap who thinks it's possible for women to be 'a little bit pregnant'.  Downplaying the seriousness of such an offence with a simple two words is a classic narcissist tactic. Violence = "almost satanic". I see. So not wholly satanic is what he's saying.  I'd suggest he might start at Matthew 23, verse 27 and ponder who Jesus might say are the "whitewashed tombs " of today.  I mean, I still have a great love and respect for the good people who strive to make Catholicism relevant but ultimately, I think they're being duped by a stubbornly entrenched hierarchy fixated on its own needs.

I am SO glad I don't have to endure tiresome celibate men preaching on marriage or any other topic to suit their tiresome self-serving agenda any more. Sure, a little bit of Christianity is always mixed in to give it a flavour of something....Almost Good.  Take away that flavour though, and see what's left.  I just look at how many broken people there are in the wake of the RCC; people who couldn't quite stick to or fathom RCC teachings. Dear broken people, you matter the most. 

Reading a book called Pagan Christianity you realise that pretty much every single aspect of the RC church has its roots in Roman pagan tradition. Could it be that as well as temples, priests, robes, relics, candles etc., we've inherited a cult of child abuse down the generations too?  That would explain much. 

Well, this year has taken a toll on most people's mental health and mine is no exception.  I've stopped expecting any help though as MH services are so stretched and now just receive any and all kindnesses and positives as they come.  I've also taken action and made my own statement to the press only because it helps me towards some kind of closure.  And that's what this blog is about. Closure.  It's not in any way about compensation as I've seen ignorant some people suggesting.   If De la Salle want to acknowledge with financial compensation, fine; I'll deduct what I've spent on therapy and happily donate the rest to the charities who provide survivor support. But again, I'm expecting DLS to cough up even less than I'm expecting getting any more helpful counselling.  I feel as though I have touched the bottom of the abyss (no sick pun intended) of poor mental health and somehow not died. Perhaps things are changing. It's hard to tell but what does encourage me is the number of voices now speaking out.  

My own abuser is still around but I have to try and leave him be, try as best I can to reclaim what has been stolen from me by his abuse. My own Christmas appeal then:  If you are or were a pupil or teacher (and I include _) at St Joseph's College, Birkfield, Ipswich, (#teammystjos) and you have information relevant to the current reports of abuse there, NOW is the time to let either Suffolk Police or the  EADT know.

More Memories

Is St Joseph’s Ipswich some kind of pedo magnet? This last week in the Ipswich Star 

https://www.ipswichstar.co.uk/news/crime/former-ipswich-teacher-accused-of-sex-crimes-8430922  

suggests it certainly was up until the 90’s so it does rather beg the question, what’s been done since then to ensure pupil safety?  My natural instinct, rooted in my deeply disturbing experiences there, is to suspect nothing has been done.  I look at the super smiley images of apparently  happy, well-adjusted kids in their marketing material and can’t help thinking it looks like the perfect cover. I desperately hope I am wrong but over the years have learnt to trust my gut feelings. 

Be that as it may, some developments. I read that De La Salle have at last asked police to investigate all allegations against their order.  That’s good . Coincidentally (or not)  I’ve now had more memories returning from the blanked out two years or so.  I’m currently ‘between therapists’ as previous one was unable to continue due to family commitments but having learnt a few good techniques, I am finding that memories associated with the time around the main trauma/s are coming back.  For instance, I was thinking of the Eastern Counties bus I used to catch  (or miss when things got too bad) when I suddenly remembered a lad I had become friends with.  I remembered his house just up the road from ours, where he got on the bus, then I remembered ringing his mum to ask if he could play, then his name, then the fact we were mates for two or three years and would go on bike rides together and finally, his moving away from the area.  This was a significant friendship! Wiped until last month! I value my friendships dearly so does this not demonstrate that yes, I most definitely did shut my brain’s memory banks down somehow around that time in the early 1970s? 

It was bizarre and encouraging to realise that everything is still stored up there.  Now I am getting the faintest recollections of less pleasant events concerning _ . Perhaps I’ll be able to give police a fuller account soon. Another penny has dropped too.  I've always had a kind of throat-clearing cough which I had always rationalised was because of the smoking for a few years.  It occurs to me only now that it may well be linked to a vague memory of throwing up in a field entrance en route to school in _'s car. (the longest route) And then there's a pain I have always had in my left rib.  Kind of where a gear stick would poke into a passenger if they were made to lean across.  Ugh.  I mentioned it to my sister and my wife and they've both said they've thought of that scenario but didn't want to put ideas into my mind.  It seems my mind has been working very hard to push away and not recall something.

I just need to find a safe enough place /person to ‘let it all out’.  I don’t think my wife should have to deal with that. She’s put up with enough as it is when it comes to my panic attacks and particular behaviours concerning all kinds of things. 

And if the plaintiff in that case linked above happens to be reading, my sincere sympathies for what you’re having to endure and thank you for your courage and determination to bring that to court. I watch with interest and  am rooting for you all the way.  I also urge any former members of staff and pupils of St Joseph’s, Birkfield, Ipswich to come forward and report to police any information relating to criminal activity . This is not revenge. We have a duty to protect kids if we know something . 

Smoking and Guns

I've recently found that with EMDR therapy it's possible for the first time in ... well, ever really, to begin dealing effectively with some of the trauma caused by _.  It costs money I don't have to spare so I've had to stop but I've heard today that it may be possible to find funding so will see if I can continue.

I was very skeptical at first, not least because I have learnt to be suspicious of everyone and everything for some reason I can now actually put my finger on. However I managed to overcome my suspicions using logic.  EMDR, based on eye movement, seemed to make sense to me. Being awake and moving the eyes whilst dealing with your trauma, might do the trick if that's what happens during sleep (allegedly).  How l envy those who reach proper amounts of REM sleep to process stuff!   Anyway, bingo! After all the re-traumatising talking counselling and the therapist who started crying when I told her my story (in fairness, it must be gruelling listening to constant tales of woe), I felt I was getting somewhere. 

I began to have memories come back. Mental pictures of random things I hadn't thought about in 50 years!  Those heavy medicine balls we had in the gym and the relay games we did with them for PE, even as I type this, I recall standing in a circle passing the stupid thing to each other.  Then I got a picture of some white blobs.  What was this now?  Oh, they're not blobs... they're... white... sticks? ....no, cigarettes?  Yes! White cigarettes! Hang on... they're those menthol ones I started smoking... what were they called?.... Oh yeah! Consulate! ... in a green and white packet! Like the JML ad: "but wait... there's more!"  Oh blimey, and there was More too- those extra long cigarettes that came out- just remembered those now).

Yeah, know exactly how you feel!

But why the hell was I smoking? I was an athlete,  picked to represent St Joseph's (until I decided they weren't to gain any glory from my abilities thanks very much) so why would I smoke? But I did start smoking. I absolutely hated it. Why did I start then?.... 

Ohhhh yeahhhh!  Because it was an act of rebellion against a certain teacher (_) with an absolutely obsessive desire to catch someone smoking in the toilets  (presumably for the thrill of carrying out the punishment).  Of course, smoking menthol fags was the way not be smelt out in our childish reasoning back then!

But yes, this guy was obsessed with domineering, controlling behaviour.  There was one occasion when a friend and I were over on the rifle range one lunch break (yeah there was a rifle range, a popular place to go smoking I believe. Has anyone dug there for bodies yet?) We were happily minding our own business digging air pellets out of the tree bark (boys collected random stuff back then - petrol station coins, football stickers, stamps, dust... bits of lead...) when who should drive across the sports field towards us but Mr How-can-I -terrify-you -best?.

He leapt out of the car fully confrontational and accused us of smoking which, to two non-smokers clearly attending to the needs of a tree and not skulking behind it and with nope, no fags in our pockets, seemed a little bizarre to say the least. 

"You were smoking! If I catch you smoking... threat, threat, threat ..."  

Seriously? 

There seemed to be a collective insanity among most of the staff at this so-called 'educational establishment' that almost daily made one appreciate all the more the 'normal madness' of family and home at evenings and weekends for those of us 'lucky' enough to have been day boys. 

That home/family 'normal' was pretty short lived once this same teacher had wormed his way into my parents' social circle. 

It wasn't until I was at college aged 18 where someone said 'Why do you smoke?' and I couldn't answer, that I managed to stop instantly. It was almost as though I'd been given permission to lay that one down. You don't have to do that any more. He's not here.

So, what do we conclude from today's lesson boys?  

There is no smoke if there's no fire, sir.  

Correct, and I can testify now the smoke and smog is finally starting to clear, there was more than one loose cannon / smoking gun at St Joseph's.