Blogging this stuff is quite hard sometimes so I have to take time out to do life and focus on the good things.  Also, I believe it's important to spend more time looking forward, not back to abuses of the past in order to live as best you can. If you've come through abuse, don't forget to congratulate yourself and your clever brain for coming up with the most amazing survival strategies.  

In spite of the damage done, in spite of the daily battle just to feel "normal" (and boy, you don't half notice when a day feels something like it should), I'm learning that my self-image or belief  is actually a lot stronger than I'd thought. Which is good.

Recently, life has been challenging with COVID etc but I've quite enjoyed feeling one step ahead of many when it comes to the emotional chaos of having to deal with issues one can normally avoid by keeping busy.  (Tip: We are human beings, not human doings.  Learn to embrace yourself.)

Be that as it may, the struggle continues, most notably in that place where sleep meets waking.  If anyone has any tips on how to manage the morning panic attacks when subconscious hasn't fully transitioned to conscious, let me know.  I do all the breathing/grounding techniques like a pro but am pretty certain (probably blogged this before) my dreams are so incredibly detailed because it keeps my brain fascinated enough to not go to the recall of trauma.  They're pretty exhausting dreams and most mornings I wake feeling as though I've just run a marathon. So thanks for that __. 

I walked past his house recently with a friend who commented it looked more derelict than others in the road. Couldn't quite bring myself to knock on the door as didn't quite trust myself to not keep knocking if it was opened. 😂

Anyway, more snippets of memory still incoming.  I mentioned I'd made a list of my year group peers before. well, another name popped into my head randomly in the wee small hours so that makes 88 now, which must be most of three classes of 30 ish surely.  Names of some older guys and some prefects too.  

Anyway, someone let me know when St Joe's gets taken to court.  More than happy to testify.