Interview with my wife.

 Interview with my wife.

What is it like being married to a survivor of csa?

Big question, um... It’s been...it was hard dealing with you when you were very depressed but didn't know why until recently. Not having an understanding of the reason why was difficult and understanding why you were having panic attacks... and trying to work out what I could do to help. Also, that touching you in certain places on your body has brought strange , jumpy reactions which has been confusing at times. Yeah, there's been a lot of confusion because of it, over feeling ' was it something I was doing?' It’s affected our sex life in that it's almost felt like there's somebody else there or involved...or in your body because of the jumpiness and things. I sometimes felt like I was being involved in therapy.

As opposed to being just a couple?

As opposed to being in a loving relationship, there seemed to be an added element of having to be a therapist. We can't just be us. It's always having an influence ... on the ability to be intimate.

Looking back, if you could have changed something. What would you have liked to have done?

I'd like to have known more how to support you and how to talk about it .

But we didn't know what we were dealing with.

That's the thing. We didn't. It's been distressing to see you so distressed on so many occasions like I'd come into the room and seen you crying or into the sitting room where you were rocking, crying, shaking, hitting your head to try and remember. It's made you very angry and frustrated with your younger self.

For blocking out the trauma?

Mmm. And therefore not being able to understand what's really happened to you. It’s dominated your thinking for a long time because you want to make sense of your life. I've found it difficult and very tiring at times. And emotionally... um...sometimes I've felt guilty because I have compassion fatigue.

What would you like to say to any spouses or partners going through something similar? And what would you like to say to the perpetrator?

To those going through it, you know, supporting somebody, you need a lot of patience and you need to be very careful with your imagination and hold back from what you think might have happened so that you don't influence or sow a seed that isn't, you know, leads not to the truth. Also you need time for yourself like going for walks or doing some art or some self care because it can be very intense at times.

So yes, thank you for still being here.

Yes I was going to say, the most important thing is just to be there.

And for waiting for me to arrive at the thoughts you'd already had about what happened to me.

And to Mr_ , the perpetrator?

How bloody dare you. You used your position of power to ruin somebody's life, well not ruin because you have been amazing and risen above it using your creativity in lots of different ways but...how dare you force yourself on somebody and make his life a constant battle for no other reason than your selfish pleasure. You haven't only affected one life, you've affected a whole family. And you've got away with it.

Thanks to my self control?

Thanks to your self control but thanks to not being able to fully remember and therefore not being able to take him to court.

Thank you for your love and support.

I'm sure there's loads more to say but right now, I'm too tired.