Running Towards Adversity.

After a bit of therapy and 5 pages of a more detailed,  updated statement to police, it's good, at least, to have a much clearer understanding of what happened to me  (and obviously many others) at the hands / under the "care" of De la Salle abusers.  I make no apology for deliberately linking the word 'abusers' to their schools link there because they continue to abuse us by not coming out with a clear, very public statement on their past criminality. Until that happens, I owe it to myself and others to ignore their happy, shiny image projecting and show the world that NOTHING HAS CHANGED while they continue to try the patience of survivors. 

I am a pretty patient guy but the older I get, the thinner it wears.  All they have to do is engage. Why not put a page up on their web site about what they're doing to deal with the sins of the past? Pro tip: it makes you look authentic. Only an idiot is fooled by a flawless image. 

Meanwhile, so much new information comes to light recently, I am having to process plenty.

I go running to try and process stuff. Also to exorcise the demons that plague my body, my nights and my tired waking hours. I run, not only to try and shore up my mental health, but as a kind of prayer for all those who've either died without any justice or are so broken by the dreadful Catholic Church, they can't get anywhere.  But even running itself can be quite triggering as that was the one thing I adored at St Joseph's before I was forced to give it up to avoid contact with _.  

Now I can smell jam! I've just realised I'm slightly triggered by raspberry jam too!  Jam sandwiches were generally what was on offer in the canteen on the evenings I stayed behind at school to train.  I've some memory of running for St Joseph's at Royal Hospital School, Holbrook, somewhat overwhelmed by the sheer scale of an inter-schools event, not being sure which races I was in or which point to go to in its vast sports fields, crowded with competitors I'd never seen before, some looking like giants I was to run against.  I believe _ was there too, pretending to be a teacher, chivvying and not exactly helping me prepare. When it dawned on me that any success on the track was being held up as St Joseph's own triumph, I quit. I wasn't giving anyone that satisfaction, least of all Mr _.

It's beginning to feel as though my reluctance to name _ is at breaking point. I've only got so many years left and I don't have any particular reason to withhold his name except to allow police to do their thing, which I think they have now.  I'll hang on a little while longer in case anyone else does come forward.

Soon I will shout it from the rooftops. It's my call, luckily!

 

Interview with my wife.

 Interview with my wife.

What is it like being married to a survivor of csa?

Big question, um... It’s been...it was hard dealing with you when you were very depressed but didn't know why until recently. Not having an understanding of the reason why was difficult and understanding why you were having panic attacks... and trying to work out what I could do to help. Also, that touching you in certain places on your body has brought strange , jumpy reactions which has been confusing at times. Yeah, there's been a lot of confusion because of it, over feeling ' was it something I was doing?' It’s affected our sex life in that it's almost felt like there's somebody else there or involved...or in your body because of the jumpiness and things. I sometimes felt like I was being involved in therapy.

As opposed to being just a couple?

As opposed to being in a loving relationship, there seemed to be an added element of having to be a therapist. We can't just be us. It's always having an influence ... on the ability to be intimate.

Looking back, if you could have changed something. What would you have liked to have done?

I'd like to have known more how to support you and how to talk about it .

But we didn't know what we were dealing with.

That's the thing. We didn't. It's been distressing to see you so distressed on so many occasions like I'd come into the room and seen you crying or into the sitting room where you were rocking, crying, shaking, hitting your head to try and remember. It's made you very angry and frustrated with your younger self.

For blocking out the trauma?

Mmm. And therefore not being able to understand what's really happened to you. It’s dominated your thinking for a long time because you want to make sense of your life. I've found it difficult and very tiring at times. And emotionally... um...sometimes I've felt guilty because I have compassion fatigue.

What would you like to say to any spouses or partners going through something similar? And what would you like to say to the perpetrator?

To those going through it, you know, supporting somebody, you need a lot of patience and you need to be very careful with your imagination and hold back from what you think might have happened so that you don't influence or sow a seed that isn't, you know, leads not to the truth. Also you need time for yourself like going for walks or doing some art or some self care because it can be very intense at times.

So yes, thank you for still being here.

Yes I was going to say, the most important thing is just to be there.

And for waiting for me to arrive at the thoughts you'd already had about what happened to me.

And to Mr_ , the perpetrator?

How bloody dare you. You used your position of power to ruin somebody's life, well not ruin because you have been amazing and risen above it using your creativity in lots of different ways but...how dare you force yourself on somebody and make his life a constant battle for no other reason than your selfish pleasure. You haven't only affected one life, you've affected a whole family. And you've got away with it.

Thanks to my self control?

Thanks to your self control but thanks to not being able to fully remember and therefore not being able to take him to court.

Thank you for your love and support.

I'm sure there's loads more to say but right now, I'm too tired.