Running Towards Adversity.

After a bit of therapy and 5 pages of a more detailed,  updated statement to police, it's good, at least, to have a much clearer understanding of what happened to me  (and obviously many others) at the hands / under the "care" of De la Salle abusers.  I make no apology for deliberately linking the word 'abusers' to their schools link there because they continue to abuse us by not coming out with a clear, very public statement on their past criminality. Until that happens, I owe it to myself and others to ignore their happy, shiny image projecting and show the world that NOTHING HAS CHANGED while they continue to try the patience of survivors. 

I am a pretty patient guy but the older I get, the thinner it wears.  All they have to do is engage. Why not put a page up on their web site about what they're doing to deal with the sins of the past? Pro tip: it makes you look authentic. Only an idiot is fooled by a flawless image. 

Meanwhile, so much new information comes to light recently, I am having to process plenty.

I go running to try and process stuff. Also to exorcise the demons that plague my body, my nights and my tired waking hours. I run, not only to try and shore up my mental health, but as a kind of prayer for all those who've either died without any justice or are so broken by the dreadful Catholic Church, they can't get anywhere.  But even running itself can be quite triggering as that was the one thing I adored at St Joseph's before I was forced to give it up to avoid contact with _.  

Now I can smell jam! I've just realised I'm slightly triggered by raspberry jam too!  Jam sandwiches were generally what was on offer in the canteen on the evenings I stayed behind at school to train.  I've some memory of running for St Joseph's at Royal Hospital School, Holbrook, somewhat overwhelmed by the sheer scale of an inter-schools event, not being sure which races I was in or which point to go to in its vast sports fields, crowded with competitors I'd never seen before, some looking like giants I was to run against.  I believe _ was there too, pretending to be a teacher, chivvying and not exactly helping me prepare. When it dawned on me that any success on the track was being held up as St Joseph's own triumph, I quit. I wasn't giving anyone that satisfaction, least of all Mr _.

It's beginning to feel as though my reluctance to name _ is at breaking point. I've only got so many years left and I don't have any particular reason to withhold his name except to allow police to do their thing, which I think they have now.  I'll hang on a little while longer in case anyone else does come forward.

Soon I will shout it from the rooftops. It's my call, luckily!

 

Interview with my wife.

 Interview with my wife.

What is it like being married to a survivor of csa?

Big question, um... It’s been...it was hard dealing with you when you were very depressed but didn't know why until recently. Not having an understanding of the reason why was difficult and understanding why you were having panic attacks... and trying to work out what I could do to help. Also, that touching you in certain places on your body has brought strange , jumpy reactions which has been confusing at times. Yeah, there's been a lot of confusion because of it, over feeling ' was it something I was doing?' It’s affected our sex life in that it's almost felt like there's somebody else there or involved...or in your body because of the jumpiness and things. I sometimes felt like I was being involved in therapy.

As opposed to being just a couple?

As opposed to being in a loving relationship, there seemed to be an added element of having to be a therapist. We can't just be us. It's always having an influence ... on the ability to be intimate.

Looking back, if you could have changed something. What would you have liked to have done?

I'd like to have known more how to support you and how to talk about it .

But we didn't know what we were dealing with.

That's the thing. We didn't. It's been distressing to see you so distressed on so many occasions like I'd come into the room and seen you crying or into the sitting room where you were rocking, crying, shaking, hitting your head to try and remember. It's made you very angry and frustrated with your younger self.

For blocking out the trauma?

Mmm. And therefore not being able to understand what's really happened to you. It’s dominated your thinking for a long time because you want to make sense of your life. I've found it difficult and very tiring at times. And emotionally... um...sometimes I've felt guilty because I have compassion fatigue.

What would you like to say to any spouses or partners going through something similar? And what would you like to say to the perpetrator?

To those going through it, you know, supporting somebody, you need a lot of patience and you need to be very careful with your imagination and hold back from what you think might have happened so that you don't influence or sow a seed that isn't, you know, leads not to the truth. Also you need time for yourself like going for walks or doing some art or some self care because it can be very intense at times.

So yes, thank you for still being here.

Yes I was going to say, the most important thing is just to be there.

And for waiting for me to arrive at the thoughts you'd already had about what happened to me.

And to Mr_ , the perpetrator?

How bloody dare you. You used your position of power to ruin somebody's life, well not ruin because you have been amazing and risen above it using your creativity in lots of different ways but...how dare you force yourself on somebody and make his life a constant battle for no other reason than your selfish pleasure. You haven't only affected one life, you've affected a whole family. And you've got away with it.

Thanks to my self control?

Thanks to your self control but thanks to not being able to fully remember and therefore not being able to take him to court.

Thank you for your love and support.

I'm sure there's loads more to say but right now, I'm too tired.

Give us closure!

I've finally manage to piece together a more detailed account of what happened to me at St. Joseph's and the crimes perpetrated by a pedophile teacher who currently lives in comfortable retirement.

I have just sent police a 5 page statement containing a lot more detail than the initial, shocked and weirded -out statement account I initially gave them.  I'm hoping that brings some much needed closure.  I gave the statement partly to help myself move on (because, let's be honest, the Catholic Church and De La Salle are about as interested in helping survivors move on as a fox is to chickens) and partly to aid anyone else coming forward with information about abuses at St. Joseph's Ipswich.  But survivors certainly aren't chicken.  I learned the other day there are 11 million of us survivors of CSA here in the UK.  11 MILLION!!   That's an army! We won't be silent and we sure as hell aren't going to go away any time soon so what, may I ask, are the De la Salle and others going to do to aid the closure so desperately needed by (obviously) thousands of their former pupils? De La Salle are silent. The longer they remain so, the more they show themselves complicit in covering up abuse.

But closure is so hard to find. Just when you think, 'Right, enough of that, time to focus on the here and now', another story pops up. Just a couple of weeks ago I spoke with a former pupil whose name I recognised.  He told me he'd also been abused at St Joseph's and DLS had settled out of court for less than therapy had cost him to date and that he'd received no apology.  Settling out of court is surely an admission of guilt so to then not offer an apology is beyond despicable.  He asked who my abuser was and when I told him, he said, " F****ng hell. I now feel better for hating him...He disliked me, I feel proud of that, now. Big into corporal punishment too. I recall being slippered by him multiple times..."

Anyway, I am moving forward and encouraged by such comments because they affirm it wasn't just me, as a child, imagining some awful trauma. Mine was real and I am heartened by whoever it was who recently went to St Joseph's and did this because it demonstrates a growing number of survivors are NOT going to sit meekly by, accepting their lot because all of us know from bitter experience, if we don't speak out now, future child abuse in posh schools and other places (who would rather it was swept under the carpet for the sake of their precious image) is absolutely guaranteed.

Why wouldn't we want to change that?

MAKE. CHILD. ABUSE. STOP!

Child Rape at St Joseph's, Ipswich.

After a few sessions of therapy, I'm now much better able to make sense of what happened to me at St Joseph's and when I said to my therapist, I couldn't be 100% certain I've got my story straight, she replied that she knew me well enough now and could tell me what happened to me. Furthermore, she stated she'd be happy to testify in court, if necessary.  So, that said, I can confidently state that this happened:  I was in the toilet block opposite the gymnasium with a two or more friends towards the end of a lunch break. There was some shouting, some people were ordered out and the door was shut.  I was held down by an accomplice (probably an older prefect) over a toilet in one of the cubicles, a handkerchief was stuffed in my mouth and "soothing" words along the lines of orders not to struggle were spoken as I was buggered by _.  It was after that that I have the memory of standing by the noticeboard on the gym wall, desperately trying to process what had just taken place and taking the awful decision to just shut down my memory in order to carry on with my school day and appear as normal to my friends. 

Last week I was sharing this story with friends, one of whom is a secondary teacher.  For the first time in 50+ years I heard these words, "Your decision to shut down was absolutely the right decision".  Very validating words indeed coming all these years later from the first person I regard as being "in authority".

She then went on to say that she'd been a pupil at Chantry High School, just opposite St Joe's, and remarked that she and her friends were often in town and always used to wonder why "those privileged St Joe's kids all seemed so messed up".

It seems barely a week goes by now without some new tale of woe relating to St Joseph's reaches my ears.    I was working for a client and the conversation turned to her place of employment; a boarding school.  I said, "Oh, I went to one of those but thankfully just a day boy."  My heart sank to the floor when she responded with, " My brother went to St. Joseph's in Ipswich. He was an absolute little sh*t! My parents were constantly having to go in to sort something out." I bit my tongue because she'd just shared some other troubles and I didn't want to add to her distress.  But I'll say what I thought here: my money is on her brother having been abused.  We're talking 1990's here. The era when Francis Carolan was there, I believe.   I'm referring to the guy whose trial was last April but whose case was never heard because he killed himself while on remand,  just before the trial began. 

Pat Mills, has also shared on his blog that St Joseph's are currently engaged in trying to get old boys to sign up to their alumni.  For some not-very-strange reason, not many old boys seem very willing to sign up so they sought out the help of one former pupil, presumably more prominent than I. He slapped them down for trying to minimise the legacy of the abuses that De La Salle have covered up ever since. 

Surviving to Thriving

Still alive here, possibly much to the annoyance of the De La Salle order who are now, FINALLY (and seemingly reluctantly) admitting they literally f*ck*d up kids in their care.  

I was getting some therapy provided by an absolutely brilliant charity called Restitute  but as my 50 years or so survival issues with St Joseph’s College  in Ipswich are so deeply engrained, progress was slow and I reached a point where I felt bad for using up their precious resources.  I would like anyone reading this to please consider donating to them because they have been an enormous source of support to my wife and myself. I’m looking at you DLS, you owe them for at least 15 sessions. 

I say the DLS are probably annoyed because they are now having to fork out for my treatment.  For this, I have to acknowledge the Religious Life Safeguarding Service who, after a video interview with my co-survivor Pat Mills, have shown they actually have a bit of clout. So, treatment has begun and long-suppressed, disturbing memories can finally be professionally dealt with.  Apart from my blanking it all out for so long, why has it taken them this long to admit their crimes though, and then only issue a weak statement on their website where it won’t be seen by survivors?  I had serious qualms about reconnecting with them in any way, but eventually decided that sod it, the Roman Catholic church owes us big time and if I’m ever going to get any life back that was stolen, I’ll start with what’s available.

So today was session two and I spoke about the memory of my last day at St. Joes and my run-in with the vile and angry little Welsh thug called Brother Peter.  I can’t recall a single encounter with the guy when he wasn’t threatening something or someone, or when he was speaking civilly.  So after being caught skiving at Ipswich station (a.k.a. avoiding my abuser, _ ) “Brother” Peter had demanded a 3 page explanation on his desk the following morning. I duly gave my report to him and went to my class for registration, during which I was summoned into the classroom next door and made to read out said explanation in front of the class.  I got to the sentence containing “...but it wasn’t my fault because…” when he absolutely lost it and took a swing for me.  Having witnessed this scene played out before, I knew what was coming and ducked. This infuriated him even further so I just walked out and away over the  playing fields, equally enraged that not one single adult had my back, but feeling the sun on my face, smelling the green grass and an opportunity to take the trickier, but infinitely more appealing path through life. 

Back then, that poor kid never had the language to express what _ had done to him.  He has now though.  Possibly in a court room at some point. 

I’ve just done my first ever stand-up routine because one of the legacies of CSA is wanting to hide and not wanting to put yourself forward for anything that gets you noticed. It went well, though I was expecting a buzz afterwards.  I felt nothing.  I think it was more huge than I realised. I’m pretty sure though, the next gig will contain quite a lot of material about Catholic boarding schools, the DLS and a certain teacher. Any objections from Catholics? No? 

Oh, and if you know or support a survivor of CSA please get involved with this RESTLESS awareness campaign on Weds 20th Sept 2023.  Thanks x.

Overcoming

The journey of discovering what I blanked out goes on with the support of some great counsellors and of course, family and a few friends. Needless to say all my attempts at engaging with De La Salle on social media are still completely ignored while they attempt to keep building their shiny image.  Here's an interesting example.  Now who else likes to use the pentangle symbol? Let me think... 

I'm not suggesting they are a cult or anything (much) but when they constantly tweet about building "Utopia" and hold conferences in Rome proclaiming boldly that they are all working towards a common aim, producing smooth corporate videos that show they are short on substance (see screenshots below) it appears they are only interested in some self-serving, self-justifying agenda.  I shudder to think of the money the Catholic Church wastes on these vanity projects.  All my life growing up Catholic and up to the point I left, I always got so frustrated with talk of 'helping the poor' but never once saw any evidence of anyone DOING anything to that end.  Sure, there were special collections to go to some priest or other supposedly working in some far flung poverty-stricken outpost but now I'm looking back thinking there was zero accountability for that money and zero chance of anyone challenging the Church.  Now that is beginning to happen and survivors are speaking out, they really don't like it.  There's an army of rather inept trolls trying to discredit survivors and their stories on social media.  We won't be silenced. 

None of this is from some anti-RCC standpoint. Experience is just the best teacher. It seriously breaks my heart that my former church is content to leave a trail of broken souls in its wake who somehow didn't measure up to its standards.  Growing up, I was aware of people in my community, suddenly not being around any more.  The girl who got pregnant (worst sin in the world!); the priest everyone loved suddenly being moved on. I remember being fobbed off with unlikely explanations. (Note to adults: kids aren't stupid. They usually know when you're lying.)

I learnt that lying is wrong and thus, I am simply pointing out that for all its supposed "good" (not really seen much evidence) the RCC is a corrupted, abusive institution and I believe anyone with any degree of righteous ambition should abandon it as quickly as possible.  I can guarantee you Christ exists outside it if that's what you're worried about. 

And the Big DLS Idea is... (please hold)

De La Salle - busy looking inwards.

Update. Aug 2022

With the current revelations from former pupils at private schools coming out pretty much every day, it seems, today seems as good a day as any to learn that a lawyer is now asking for any information from anyone who was at St Joseph's, Ipswich, particularly during the 1960s.

https://twitter.com/DinoNocivelli/status/1556949942261932033?t=NiKtvjOCr-p6QRLhy0PTHQ&s=19

For what it's worth, I am generally a forward looking and positive thinking fella but there are days when despite my best efforts, the unresolved aspects of the past refuse to be ignored. The current climate of disclosures never before spoken of can be quite disconcerting when you're just trying to get on with living your best possible life.  Nicky Campbell's recent disclosure https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-62308621

has been yet another reminder that "that’s just how things were back then" never was and still isn't an acceptable answer to the thousands of us who've spent decades just trying to establish some kind of "normal" so never let it be forgotten that quite a few have died before their time just trying. 

So De La Salle and the Catholic Church could make all this a hell of a lot easier for survivors if they would choose to accept they actually did bugger up many lives. Will they though? Because I, for one, am going to be ditching my anonymity soon and telling what I know. I'm only staying anonymous to protect one other who's not yet in a good enough space to tell his story.

I've just been contacted by another ex pupil from the late 90s who tells of dark and unpleasant goings on at St Joseph's even 30 plus years after I left.  So, De La Salle, what information have you been keeping secret to save your arses and assets? 

Once again, not tomorrow  but NOW, TODAY is the time. Get in touch with the guy representing us St Joseph's survivors. Stop hiding behind your masonic, Lasallian or whatever oaths and step into the light. 

Do it! You owe us.